Home movies gone bad

Long, long ago, before I could drive, I was just a bored teenager looking for something to do when school wasn't in session. Unfortunately, my parents let me play with their old camcorder. Even more unfortunately, some of my old home movies showed up on Google Video somehow. The crazy thing is, I have NO IDEA how they got there. It says the videos were uploaded in 2004, but did Google Video even exist back then? Be warned, these next few videos will suck.

A lot.

Adult Swim Commercials

One of the first things I tried to do was re-create the old "AdultSwim" commercials on Cartoon Network using my video editing software. I took three stabs at it, but my first attempt was the best.




This one actually made the most sense of the three. There's a short story, a plot, and a conclusion. At the time, this was almost identical to the actual AdultSwim commercials.




My second attempt was just stupid. This was directly imitating an AdultSwim commercial I'd seem a couple days before, and the original sucked just as much as my remake.




This last one was just because I had some strange video of a friend from school making a funny face and I didn't know what else to do with it. Looking back, this one is also a pile of crap.

Action: The Movie

"Action: The Movie" was made in spite. I was bored over Christmas break one year and wanted someone to make a movie with me, but my family wouldn't help. I responded by putting them in the movie anyway. The plot is pretty basic -- the movie was designed to juxtapose the peace and quiet of downstairs where my family was watching TV with the chaos of the imaginary battle happening upstairs in my room. At the end, I call everyone out for not helping me. They even ignored me when I put the camera right in their freakin' faces! Oh well... I think this one turned out the best of all my movies.

Blueberry Jam

This was actually made before Action: The Movie, but its a little longer and more complicated, so I've saved the best for last.

Before you watch this, it is important that you understand a little bit of the background behind the formation of this movie. This was filmed in the summer of 2003 or 2004 when me and my twin sister (Sadie) were bored with nothing to do. We came up with a quick plot and grabbed some old costumes from her closet and this is what happened. I did the video editing and we took turns shooting and directing. When we originally recorded it, we didn't have any way to convert the video to PC, so all the editing was done by carefully rewinding and recording over the extra stuff (like walking to the camera and stopping it).



"Blueberry Jam" is hard to follow, so let me explain. It starts off with two title screens. We really didn't need two. What was I thinking when I added the second one? Anywho, the plot takes place in the town of "Blueberria," where everything is fine until the town gets suddenly attacked by giant oranges. Why oranges? Because that's all we could find to attack a town with. In that first shot, my sister is playing a Blueberrian citizen when she gets attacked by oranges. Before the oranges get there, I come in as her stunt double to take the hits. You can see our dog screwing up the shot in the background.

In the next shot, I'm in a giant blueberry suit (yes, we had that laying around in my sister's closet) and I'm supposed to suddenly see the giant oranges coming. Why do some Blueberrians look like people and other Blueberrians look like giant blueberries? I don't know.

The next scene is one of the few parts where one of us narrates the story. The drawing is supposed to be of the city of Blueberria, and those small grape things are Blueberries (aka, Blueberrians). I say, "All over Blueberria, pedestrians were getting plummeted by huge falling oranges with a fresh, fruity scent. (oranges drop, sister screams, quick cut) All over the city of Blueberria, there were few that remained after this horrible accident, it was so devastating." Then my sister starts playing the voice of the blueberry in front of the grave saying, "Aw, my poor children! Why did it half to be me?" I narrate, saying, "Poor Mrs. Blueberry lost all she had! Her two children were left alone; in their graves..."

Now the plot thickens! The scene cuts to outside again, where our heroine in disguise thinks aloud. "How can I help the Blueberrians with their problems? I'm only an ordinary civilian. I know!" (scene cuts, hat appears on her head signifying that she has transformed into a super hero. I know, its so obvious!) "I know! As captain... SADIE! Da da da daaaaa!"

Now it's Sadie's turn to narrate. "In the evil lair of the evil twin villains, Twin Swan and Twin Two Anna Haef (Twin One and Twin Two and a half, get it?), they are chuckling over the success of their sinister plot." The scene cuts to inside the bathroom where we discuss how well the plan is working and chuckle as the bad guys.

The last part doesn't get much better. With the mask on, Sadie is suppose to be the villain Twin Two Anna Haef. She's apparently waiting on her co-villain who is apparently late for something. She calls me some made up word (there is no actual script, remember?), something like "fargle-snot." This is actually pretty similar to a work she would have called me in real life at the time. She finds me and I'm dressed as a villain in a crazy robe. My beard (and earlier my hair) is actually a plastic hula-skirt. When we enter, we do a crazy dance thing (like from "West Side Story," which we watched on TV the week before) and accidentally bump into each other. I ask if she's ready to commit more "evil deeds" when suddenly we are stopped by Captain Sadie. A brief battle with bad editing ensues, and the evil duo is defeated by Captain Sadie's "invisible laser beams." Sadie has this great zinger after she defeats me where she says, "Swan down, Two Anna Haef to go!"

After the battle, you see me saying "I claim victory!" and doing a crazy dance dressed as Captain Sadie. I swear we weren't high, just bored. Finally, its over.

Man, that kind of sucked. Strangely enough, watching all those old movies has inspired me to try and make a new, better movie... Maybe sometime over Christmas Break I'll make a new one for the first time in 5 years...

~jw

Things that suck: Technology upgrades for games

Okay, this one is a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it sucks when you purchase an awesome, new iPhone, then five months later a new model comes out and makes your phone obsolete. On the other hand, its awesome being able to buy an old Pocket PC with wifi for only $20 on eBay.

Unfortunately, the problem goes from "understandable" to "freaking ridiculous" rather quickly when you look at the gaming market.

Case in point:

Today, the new PSP 3000 comes out. Not long before it, PSP Slim for $199. Stupid me bought the original $350 PSP "fat" way back in 2006, only two years ago. Two years, three upgrades.

The same thing happens to a much more noticeable scale with PC gaming. People have come to accept the fact that computers are getting faster and more powerful at an exponential rate, but do programmers have to program games that only run on top-of-the-line systems? Many of the games that are being programmed right now will never run on the computers of today. While it is much easier to upgrade PC gaming units than console units, wouldn't it make more since to program games with the average computer in mind? Instead, people have to download demos or pirate the games before hand just to check and see if the game can even run.

Ultimately, the real problem isn't that today's computers aren't powerful enough to make fun games, it's just that programmers have lost their focus. One of the reasons the Nintendo Wii outsold the competition so fast at the start of the console wars wasn't because of the graphics, but was because the whole concept was based around making games that are affordable and fun. When did the goal of computer programmers change from making good games to making good-looking games? More importantly, when will it go back to the way it was?


~jw

P.S. I do not not condone the pirating of PC games. Just throwing that out there...

StumbleUpon "Experiments" suck

They always start off the same way...

"Hey guys, I wanna try an experiment! Everyone give this website a thumbs up on StumbleUpon and lets see what happens!"

Who do you think you're kidding, jerk? You know EXACTLY what will happen. 20 or 30 new StumbleUpon users will give you the thumbs up, and two hours later, BAM. You've got 30,000 hits.

BUT YOU SUCK. You know why? Because you've just ruined the point of StumbleUpon. You have to earn a thumbs up, you can't just ask for it. You are essentially just raping the system, and because of that, YOU SUCK.

...and people know it. Look at these reviews from this "experiment:" (click to see it bigger)


Even though you've just earned almost 10 dollars in one day from all the hits, you've essentially shot yourself in the foot. Your blog now has a crappy reputation, and its gonna take a lot more than a few thumbs up to over come that.

So in conclusion, I think I speak for all of us SU users when I say, YOU SUCK.

~jw

P.S. Stumble Cards also suck. Click here to see why.

10 Things that make me mad, in no particular order

• That guy at the gym who runs really fast while you're jogging and laps you three times, then leaves. You've ran 10 laps and he's only run 3, but it still makes you feel like crap.
• People who answer their cell phones at the movies.
• Automated phone things when you call customer service. Google perfected it with 1-800-Goog411, but no one else seems to be catching on yet...
• Learning that humidity can ruin Motorola phones and void the warranty on a muggy day.
• Coming up with a great idea in the car, but then forgetting it when you get home.
• Remembering that idea, and realizing that it wasn't that great after all.
• Grocery shopping.
• When old people can't figure out how to use a touch-screen checkout pad.
• Having one item at Wal*mart but getting stuck behind long lines of people shopping for families of 12.
• Politics.

Sorry that was so random. Had to get that one out....

~jw

Stumbleupon CAPTCHA

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post was changed signifigantly to correct inacurate details. (The below article has been corrected.) The post has been changed so much, it has been copied into a new article, which can be found HERE. Please only Digg or Stumbleupon the new article instead of this one. Thanks!

~jw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As of March 11, 2008, Stumbleupon users will now have to enter a CAPTCHA code when entering comments on some websites. The decision was made with the intention of cutting back on spammy comments left by fake users and in an effort to help decipher scans of old books. To do this, Stumbleupon has teamed up with reCAPTCHA.com.

The interesting aspect of this new decision is how reCAPTCHA is using the deciphered codes. On their "About Us" page, reCAPTCHA states:

Over 60 million CAPTCHAs are solved every day by people around the world. reCAPTCHA channels this human effort into helping to digitize books from the Internet Archive. When you solve a reCAPTCHA, you help preserve literature by deciphering a word that was not readable by computers.

Don't worry, they claim they're legit... According to their FAQ:

"Are you a spammer using this service to break other CAPTCHAs? You found us out! Ok, just kidding. No, we're not spammers trying to break other people's CAPTCHAs by funneling them through our service and getting our users to solve them for us. reCAPTCHA is a university project with funding from reputable sources. If we were spammers, our department would fire us!"

Since the codes seem to be rather difficult to make out at times, there is also the option to hear a series of number read via audio, that the user can then type into a box below.

Wanna try it out? Then just try to comment on this page with your Stumbleupon account by clicking here. It seems that the reCAPTCHA code appears randomly, so it might not work this particular time. Happy stumbling!

~jw

4 reasons Chain Letters Suck

Chain letters, in all forms, are one of my biggest pet peeves, and for 4 reasons.

4. They're immature

It seems to me that most people who send chain letters, chain comments, or chain e-mails are simply trying to get attention. People have an innate desire to have an impact on the world, and someone, somewhere is immature enough to derive some sort of pleasure from seeing their letter being posted all over the internet.

3. Who is idiotic enough to think they are real?

It is sad to me that someone out there really believes that if they send an email to 10 people and then hit "Ctrl+Alt+del" two times real fast that the name of their lover will appear on their computer screen. I know computers are amazing, but they're not freaking magic. Stop being retarded.

Example from a You-tube comment:

"In 1997 a girl called lauren was walking in a forest and then a she just dissapeared no one ever found her untill 2000 when a yoing girl called Mary found her body and markings on her chest saying: I wasnt pretty enough" and now you have read this she will appear in your mirrorrsaying your not pretty enough and kill you. by the way the girl called mary died shortly after. To be saved paste this to 5 other videos. THIS IS TRUE Now uv started readin dis dunt stop. This is so scary. Send this to 5 ova videos in 143 minutes. When ur done press F6 and ur crushes name will appear on the screen in big letters. This is scary cause it actually works."

Seriously. I swear I didn't make this up. The sad thing is, this comment was posted on the video over the first 10 comments. That means that 10 people felt their lives were in danger, but if they managed to save themselves, then their "crushes name will appear on the screen in big letters." If you did believe this, it's online harassment. If you don't believe it, then you can now graduate from Middle School.

When I ask people why they pass on chain letters, I seem to get the same response over and over again. "Hey, it doesn't hurt to try it! It might have worked." Well, guess what? It didn't. And it never will. Just give up.

2. It is guerrilla junk mail

It's easy to block junk mail from "getabiggerpenis@generic.com," but its not so easy to ignore an email from your friends and family. Perhaps the worst spell of chain emails I ever received were from my Aunt. My Dad told her my email address and she sent me an average of two chain letters a day. It doesn't sound so bad, but it got old fast. Her email address is blocked in my Gmail account now...

1. Stupid threats just piss me off.


For the love of God, this is a big one. If you threaten me with something, don't make it as FREAKING DUMB as a dramatic, dead girl named Mary. The thing is, even though I know its just a big pile of crap, it still infuriates me to be threatened by a freaking You-tube comment. I know it's not a big deal, but it gets annoying. It's kind of like having someone drive by in a car while you're walking down the street, and they yell out the window, "I'M GOING TO EVERYONE YOU LOVE IF YOU DON'T THREATEN 5 PEOPLE TODAY!" You know it's a lie, but it still makes you mad.



So guys, please. Just stop sending those letters and hit the "delete" button. Thanks.

~jw

5 reasons spell check sucks, but I need it.

Spell check. Many would lay their life down for it. I, on the other hand, hate it. Spell check sucks for 5 reasons, but it's too late because now I'm dependent on it.

This is why it sucks:

5. I feel like a failure

When I'm just typing away and not really watching the screen, it makes me sad to look up and see almost EVERY WORD underlined with that freaking red squiggly line. Its like my computer is making fun of me... :-(

4. Homonyms suck

"I have 27 cents! Since yesterday, I've been sad. I can sense the force!" Why do words have to sound alike? Spell check never picks up on that... (Ok, I know MS Word has grammar check, but I'm talking about SPELL check, like that in Firefox or the Google search engine.)

3. From, form, and for

Miss a letter, swap a letter, or accidentally add a letter and its over. Too often, short words that are messed up are actually some other word spelled correctly! It is a dead giveaway to the reader that you didn't proof read or that you're a Spell Check addict (and now-a-days, who isn't).

2. LIES UPON LIES!

Ok, I'll admit it. Spell check makes me look smarter than I really am. Today I had a written exam in my History class, but I don't think I spelled even 50% of the words right. I've become so dependent on that red squiggly line that I just can't hack writing in real life!

1. I don't learn from my mistakes

Auto-correct in MS Word is the biggest culprit for this one. If you accidentally misspell a word (Entrepreneurship) and Word fixes it without telling you, then how can you learn from your mistake? Because of auto-correct, I still spell "future" as "futur," "wrong" as "wronge," and a variety of other words in dumb ways.


In the end, I need spell check. I wish I had grown up without it, but now I am utterly dependent upon it's power. Unfortunately, that means its weaknesses are my weaknesses and its strengths are my strengths.

I'm sorry for hating on you, Word, but I must. :-(

~jw

5 reasons the new X-play SUCKS

I used to love X-play. In fact, I would never buy a game without first checking to see how Morgan and Adam rated it on a scale from 1-5. I'd even TiVo the thing everyday so I wouldn't miss the newest reviews. That was.... before.

Today, we live in a post-x-play world of hate. And it sucks (for 5 reasons).


5. They be disrespecting their fans

Remember the stupid skits with the interns? Yea, I didn't like them that much either. But thats not the point! The point is, those stupid sketches between reviews where what made the show X-play. The new X-play has taken the characters of Adam and Morgan and just made them into announcers. I loved X-play because its hosts loved video games, too!

Still, occasionally Adam and Morgan's passion for games comes out in their monologues between segments, but the show has still been robbed of its very essence. I miss you, X-play...

4. Interviews suck

Ok, so not everyone will agree with me on this one, but I think interviews suck. Why would I want to hear about how a game was created before I've even had time to play it and appreciate it? I say this to the interviews done with creators of games that haven't been released yet (cof cof SPORE cof coff).

Now, I'll admit that the segment on joining the video game Industry is pretty interesting, but again, thats not why I watch X-play. I love me some video games, but I don't want to create them -- I just want to play them.

3. I never liked "Cheat"

Now that "Cheat" has been combined into the show, I have even less respect for X-play. For one, "Cheat" doesn't actually show cheats anymore. Instead, its more like tips. Here's a good example...



I own Super Mario Galaxy. I've gotten about 103 stars of the 120. The game isn't all that hard, but its a ton of fun. On yesterday's X-play, they showed a "cheat" for Mario Galaxy, but the cheat was actually a tutorial on how to beat the SECOND BOSS in the game. Honestly, if you can't beat the mole man level, then its not going to do you much good to get past this level. It only goes uphill from there.

2. It has become "Attack of the Show II"

Let me first say that I like Attack of the Show. But I also liked the first "Land Before Time." My point is, we don't need another "Attack of the Show." I realize that X-play is still more gaming focused that AotS, but it doesn't change the fact that it is very suddenly merging toward the same goal. I actually now like AotS MORE than X-play, because at least it has Gadget Pr0n and more realistic hosts. X-play makes me sad now. :-(

1. They don't review video games anymore

This is my biggest complaint. Each show has maybe one game preview and one review. Once again, I'm not a big fan of game previews, but for a video game reviewing show, I've seen a couple of the new episodes with out a SINGLE REVIEW. That is just wrong.

Now, I hear that they have recently decided to start pre-releasing Zero Punctuation's reviews on the show, but thats kind of cheap. I went to Zero Punctuation after I lost all hope in X-play. In fact, X-play sucking made me a huge fan of Zero Punctuation. I just hope X-play doesn't drag ZP down with them....

So...

As much as I criticize the new X-play, I would like to give kudos to their new website design. Its simply easier to navigate and I can find reviews quicker. Also, Zero Punctuation has stolen my heart, so it's too late, X-play.... I just can't believe you're having an affair with ZP... I'm not quite sure how to feel about that.

~jw

4 reasons stumblecards suck

Stumblecards. The site description claims "Its the latest sensation sweeping the web!" Everyone else claims it sucks. So here are four reasons that Stumblecards SUCK.


4. They're pointless

If I wanted trading cards, I'd get trading cards. The whole point of "trading cards" is to try to obtain the hard-to-find ones, but with stumblecards, the most wanted cards are at the top of a Google search. Oh, and you can type "stumblecard" in the stumbleupon search engine and find all of them in about 2 seconds.


3. It's a viral marketing trick

Really, its just a way to get traffic for websites and advertisements for things like the Batman movie (I'm talking to YOU, Joker card) or Nintendo (your turn, Link card).

Oh, and the Link card makes him look like a girl. As if being an elf wasn't gay enough...


2. They're boring

I use stumbleupon to keep me entertained... Like Television, Youtube, or Wii. I don't want to go to some boring picture of a dude and then get told to Thumbs it up just because its the "in" thing. Who gets to decide that this is the "in" thing? Stumble cards suck. You can bite me if you think I'm going to give a thumbs up to that.



1. They ruin the point of Stumbleupon

Any site that tells its viewers to give it a thumbs up in stumbleupon kind of pisses me off. I just can't help it. For one thing, Stumbleupon is about letting the USER decide what is good and what is bad. In a sense, stumblecards are attempting to take the power of user review AWAY from the user.

Also, stumblecards just plain seem lazy. I use stumbleupon to find the latest, most innovative (or just most interesting)sites on the web. Anybody can copy and paste a new card on top of the old card and call it a stumblecard. Come on, guys. At least try...


In conclusion...

I will always give a thumbs down to stumblecards. They suck now, and they will suck forever. The worst part is that they have succeeded so much already. If I wanted to play "stumblecards," I would buy some damn Pokemon cards. You suck, stumblecards.



~jw

P.S. You know what also sucks? Stumble Upon experiments. Click here to see why


UPDATE -- I've gotten some responses from stumblers on ideas how to stop em!

The first idea can be found here... It basically says to block the people who first stumble the cards.

The second idea is just stumbling ONE PAGE instead of stumbling a bunch of cards all day long.

Check it out, yo's! Stumblecard = sad

EarthHour -- Epic Fail

Today I was checking my facebook account when I noticed I was invited to an event entitled "EarthHour." While I'm all for saving the Earth, this was just a bad idea. The concept was that everyone would turn their lights off for an hour. Doesn't sound that unreasonable...

The problem is that it is scheduled for 8 - 9 pm on Sunday night. That means there will be no sun. And that classes will start Monday. Yea... Anyway, check out the sad screen shots...

Click for the bigger image.


Looks legit, right? Check out how many people are missing out...



Lets put this into perspective... 500,000 people said they would do this. That same amount plus A MILLION MORE said they wouldn't. Yikes....

~jw

Christmas lights are attacking me

This past Saturday morning, I woke up late. I was left with only ten minutes to get across campus to Reese Phipher, and all I had was my bike to get there. So I grabbed my bagel in one hand, and put my messenger bag over my left shoulder like usual. I hopped on my bike and started down the hallway. Because I live in the first room on my floor, I have to go down the entire hallway to make it to the elevator. I was late, and biking is faster than walking.

While I was going down the hall on my bike, my bag shifted in front of me. As I adjusted my bag, I looked down for a minute. Big mistake.


As you can see, our R.A. put Christmas lights up and hasn't bothered to take them down yet, so I decided to give him a hand. Or a neck. You see, one strand of lights had fallen down just far enough to get wrapped around my neck. Ouch. I didn't get pulled off my bike, though. Noooo... I drug the lights down the hallway for about 25 yards until I could stop.



One end of the lights was closed in a door, so I couldn't pull it out with my neck. The rest of the lights where stuck to the walls. Notice that is in past-tense. As the lights came down, the did a kind of "chain saw" effect on my neck. Ouch.

This picture doesn't do the injury justice (this is 2 days later), but I have some more that I will post later. For now, just shut up and stop laughing.

~jw

5 reasons "The Hills" MUST be fake!

If you've ever seen an episode of "The Hills" and not instantly fallen in love with it, you have probably assumed the same thing that most people people eventually come to terms with... THE SHOW IS FAKE! Not reality!

Now it is time for...

5 reasons "The Hills" MUST be fake!

5. Awesome camera angles

Tell me... How is that during the middle of a conversation, the camera can suddenly change angles without catching a glimpse of the other cameras? A good example of this would be over the shoulder shots. Even if a camera man is hiding in the bushes, you would think that we would catch a glimpse of the guy every once in a while!

Also, when a character storms off, there seems to be a camera from the perfect angle so that the actor (or actress) will not be hindered in his or her storming. Hmm... I smell a rat.


4. Season ended in December?

Does anyone else think its odd that the series would have a sudden series finale that the writers strike has left the directors high and dry? I guess when the scripts run out, the season is over. At least they try to disguise it by claiming its a season finale.


3. Omnipotent camera?

So one of the girls is getting into bed and turns off the light... Then suddenly the phone rings and there is a camera man there to catch her picking it up! On top of that, there is another camera man with the caller on the other line! Is this just luck? Fate? Chance?

No. How could this not be scripted?


2. The interns NEVER get fired!

You know those two girls who claim to work at "Teen Vogue?" How is it that in the first episode that they intern there, they manage to get caught sneaking in their friends into a private party, then get off SCOTT FREE??? In another episode, one girl is suppose to go to Paris for the summer to work with the company over there. But still, they let it slide. SHE SKIPS WORK FOR 3 MONTHS!

Wtf, Hills? W? t? f?



1. Heidi only goes to work on filming days

This is the most shameful one of all. Heidi doesn't even really work at Bolthouse Productions. Its a complete lie! Don't believe me? Here's the story.



Still don't believe me? Well, you are only lying yourself now...



~jw

Final Exams suck

I'm kind of proud of my grades right now. Not because they are good, but because if I keep it up I'm going to spell the alphabet.

You know how in middle school the teachers tell you that "you can be whatever you want when you grow up?" And you know how you usually answered with some smart-butt response along the lines of "I want to be a telephone" or some other equally ridiculous statement? Well, what they didn't tell you is that it really doesn't matter what you want. What matters is what you can do. I can't be a telephone because I don't listen well and I can't yell loud enough.

Still, this semester has taught me one thing... No matter how much you enjoy a class, it is only fun as long as you don't suck at it. (That's right. I'm talking about YOU, calculus II.) On the bright side, I learned a whole bunch about procrastination. Like "don't do it." I found a pretty cool website called Jango that lets you listen to music online. Great time waster.

Alright, I should go back to studying now.

~jw