Home movies gone bad

Long, long ago, before I could drive, I was just a bored teenager looking for something to do when school wasn't in session. Unfortunately, my parents let me play with their old camcorder. Even more unfortunately, some of my old home movies showed up on Google Video somehow. The crazy thing is, I have NO IDEA how they got there. It says the videos were uploaded in 2004, but did Google Video even exist back then? Be warned, these next few videos will suck.

A lot.

Adult Swim Commercials

One of the first things I tried to do was re-create the old "AdultSwim" commercials on Cartoon Network using my video editing software. I took three stabs at it, but my first attempt was the best.




This one actually made the most sense of the three. There's a short story, a plot, and a conclusion. At the time, this was almost identical to the actual AdultSwim commercials.




My second attempt was just stupid. This was directly imitating an AdultSwim commercial I'd seem a couple days before, and the original sucked just as much as my remake.




This last one was just because I had some strange video of a friend from school making a funny face and I didn't know what else to do with it. Looking back, this one is also a pile of crap.

Action: The Movie

"Action: The Movie" was made in spite. I was bored over Christmas break one year and wanted someone to make a movie with me, but my family wouldn't help. I responded by putting them in the movie anyway. The plot is pretty basic -- the movie was designed to juxtapose the peace and quiet of downstairs where my family was watching TV with the chaos of the imaginary battle happening upstairs in my room. At the end, I call everyone out for not helping me. They even ignored me when I put the camera right in their freakin' faces! Oh well... I think this one turned out the best of all my movies.

Blueberry Jam

This was actually made before Action: The Movie, but its a little longer and more complicated, so I've saved the best for last.

Before you watch this, it is important that you understand a little bit of the background behind the formation of this movie. This was filmed in the summer of 2003 or 2004 when me and my twin sister (Sadie) were bored with nothing to do. We came up with a quick plot and grabbed some old costumes from her closet and this is what happened. I did the video editing and we took turns shooting and directing. When we originally recorded it, we didn't have any way to convert the video to PC, so all the editing was done by carefully rewinding and recording over the extra stuff (like walking to the camera and stopping it).



"Blueberry Jam" is hard to follow, so let me explain. It starts off with two title screens. We really didn't need two. What was I thinking when I added the second one? Anywho, the plot takes place in the town of "Blueberria," where everything is fine until the town gets suddenly attacked by giant oranges. Why oranges? Because that's all we could find to attack a town with. In that first shot, my sister is playing a Blueberrian citizen when she gets attacked by oranges. Before the oranges get there, I come in as her stunt double to take the hits. You can see our dog screwing up the shot in the background.

In the next shot, I'm in a giant blueberry suit (yes, we had that laying around in my sister's closet) and I'm supposed to suddenly see the giant oranges coming. Why do some Blueberrians look like people and other Blueberrians look like giant blueberries? I don't know.

The next scene is one of the few parts where one of us narrates the story. The drawing is supposed to be of the city of Blueberria, and those small grape things are Blueberries (aka, Blueberrians). I say, "All over Blueberria, pedestrians were getting plummeted by huge falling oranges with a fresh, fruity scent. (oranges drop, sister screams, quick cut) All over the city of Blueberria, there were few that remained after this horrible accident, it was so devastating." Then my sister starts playing the voice of the blueberry in front of the grave saying, "Aw, my poor children! Why did it half to be me?" I narrate, saying, "Poor Mrs. Blueberry lost all she had! Her two children were left alone; in their graves..."

Now the plot thickens! The scene cuts to outside again, where our heroine in disguise thinks aloud. "How can I help the Blueberrians with their problems? I'm only an ordinary civilian. I know!" (scene cuts, hat appears on her head signifying that she has transformed into a super hero. I know, its so obvious!) "I know! As captain... SADIE! Da da da daaaaa!"

Now it's Sadie's turn to narrate. "In the evil lair of the evil twin villains, Twin Swan and Twin Two Anna Haef (Twin One and Twin Two and a half, get it?), they are chuckling over the success of their sinister plot." The scene cuts to inside the bathroom where we discuss how well the plan is working and chuckle as the bad guys.

The last part doesn't get much better. With the mask on, Sadie is suppose to be the villain Twin Two Anna Haef. She's apparently waiting on her co-villain who is apparently late for something. She calls me some made up word (there is no actual script, remember?), something like "fargle-snot." This is actually pretty similar to a work she would have called me in real life at the time. She finds me and I'm dressed as a villain in a crazy robe. My beard (and earlier my hair) is actually a plastic hula-skirt. When we enter, we do a crazy dance thing (like from "West Side Story," which we watched on TV the week before) and accidentally bump into each other. I ask if she's ready to commit more "evil deeds" when suddenly we are stopped by Captain Sadie. A brief battle with bad editing ensues, and the evil duo is defeated by Captain Sadie's "invisible laser beams." Sadie has this great zinger after she defeats me where she says, "Swan down, Two Anna Haef to go!"

After the battle, you see me saying "I claim victory!" and doing a crazy dance dressed as Captain Sadie. I swear we weren't high, just bored. Finally, its over.

Man, that kind of sucked. Strangely enough, watching all those old movies has inspired me to try and make a new, better movie... Maybe sometime over Christmas Break I'll make a new one for the first time in 5 years...

~jw

Dear GrandCentral...

For those of you who don't know, GrandCentral is Google's new baby phone service that I was lucky enough to become a beta tester for. According to GrandCentral's FAQ,

"Based in Fremont, California, GrandCentral provides an innovative web-based voice communications platform that helps you manage all your phones and phone numbers through one simple interface. You get a single phone number that forwards to all of your phones, giving you one number for life."

It's thanks to GrandCentral that I can safely put the "Call Me" button on the right side of this page. One of the ways GrandCentral helps its users manage their phone numbers is through the use of online contact managing. When I get a call at my GrandCentral phone number, the first thing I hear is a recorded voice politely saying, "Call from... (name). Push one to accept, two to ignore, three to pick up and record..." If the person calling is one of your contacts online, then the computers does its best to say the name on its own. If it's a number that GrandCentral doesn't recognize, then it asks the caller to state their name when they first dial. This feature in particular has a tendency to confuse callers at first, but its great for screening calls from my end of the deal.

When I first started using GrandCentral at the beginning of 2008, there was an option on the "Address Book" tab to import contacts from Microsoft Outlook or other digital contact managing software. Unfortunately, that feature mysteriously went into "update mode" and stopped working for about seven months. After waiting anxiously for the feature to return, the feature decided to disappear this week all together. Heartbroken, I wrote this letter to the Grand Central team (picture added for dramatic effect):

From: John Wesley
Subject: Import/Export contacts
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2008 15:27:47 -0700

For a while the Import contacts feature was having an "Upgrade," but recently it simply disappeared! What's going on? Will it ever come back? This is one feature that I'm not sure I can easily live without. :(

Please respond to let me know the GrandCentral workers are real and
that this service has not simply been abandoned. I love grandcentral, but you're letting me down... It's almost like being cheated on by a girl you've only dated for like six months but still felt really connected too. Yea, it probably wasn't going to work, but damn it was
nice while it was working. Maybe, just maybe, we could make this work. If we try. Together. GrandCentral, let's forget the past. All those things that happened? Let's leave those behind and move on with our lives... NO. Let's move on to a BETTER life. I believe in US. Don't let me down. <3

Immediately after sending this email, I received an email stating how it was unlikely for me to get a return email concerning my issue, "...due to the large number of emails received daily." Luckily, my love note was heart warming enough to generate a response:

Hello,

Thanks for your report.

The import and export functionality in the GrandCentral Address Book are currently unavailable. Our engineers are working diligently to find a solution.

We apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused and appreciate your patience and cooperation.

Sincerely,

The GrandCentral Team

Well, that's better than nothing, but not by much.

I still love you, GrandCentral, but you have to stop these games. STOP TOYING WITH MY HEART! :'(

~jw

P.S. All pictures found via Google Images. If you feel I have misused or stolen and of your work, please tell me in the comments and I will remove the picture. Thanks!

10 Things that make me mad, in no particular order

• That guy at the gym who runs really fast while you're jogging and laps you three times, then leaves. You've ran 10 laps and he's only run 3, but it still makes you feel like crap.
• People who answer their cell phones at the movies.
• Automated phone things when you call customer service. Google perfected it with 1-800-Goog411, but no one else seems to be catching on yet...
• Learning that humidity can ruin Motorola phones and void the warranty on a muggy day.
• Coming up with a great idea in the car, but then forgetting it when you get home.
• Remembering that idea, and realizing that it wasn't that great after all.
• Grocery shopping.
• When old people can't figure out how to use a touch-screen checkout pad.
• Having one item at Wal*mart but getting stuck behind long lines of people shopping for families of 12.
• Politics.

Sorry that was so random. Had to get that one out....

~jw

Moo Moo Review - Mah new sister blog!

Hey guys! Today marks the launch of my new site, MooMooReview.Blogspot.com! At Moo Moo Review, you'll find all the hottest reviews of all the things that the common joe runs into on a daily basis. Check it out and tell me what you think!

~jw

Must be 19 or older to use Google in Alabama

No, the title isn't a typo. In the state of Alabama, you must be 19 to use Google and all of its accompanying web services. Recently, someone over at c|net found a statement in Google's "Terms of Service" that demanded all users to be old enough to sign a contract. To quote:

"You may not use ... Google's products, software, services and web sites ... and may not accept the Terms if ... you are not of legal age to form a binding contract with Google."

That means 18 in most states, and 19 in Alabama (which is the only state in which the legal age is 19 instead of 18). If you're 17, say goodbye to Gmail, Google Calendar, You-tube, and anything else that is owned by Google and requires a login. Not only that, but if Google finds out that you are a minor, then your account gets deleted. A Google spokesperson said,

"We're not in a position to verify the age or legal status of any user, given the tremendous number of users accessing Google services. That said, when we become aware of a user who is violating our Terms of Service, including not being of proper age to accept the Terms of Service, we take appropriate action, which could include the termination of the user's Google Account."

Still, maybe its for the best. You can't blame Google for guarding its own butt.

~Jw

The Xlerator!!

So I found this amazing piece of machinery while traveling through North Carolina with a stomach virus. Ok, maybe that was too much information, but just look at how strong that wind is! You can see the skin on my hand flap in the wind! Its like there's a jet engine on that thing! =-o

Also, how cool is that name? Sounds like the bag guy from Terminator 7 or something... "THE Xlerator!!!!!"

~jw

Wii Boxing is still funny

This year for Spring Break 2008, I traveled to Virginia to see my girlfriend's family. They recently purchased a Wii, and I had the pleasure of watching her Dad and her Uncle duke it out. It's painfully hilarious. Check it out!

Potato, Patato, Obama, Ohbama...

What does this license plate say to you? Unfortunately for my girlfriend's parents, most people see this as a sign that someone loves the democratic presidential nominee Obama a little too much. The true meaning behind this plate is much simpler and less controversial. Their daughter was trying to decide between going to Ohio State University (OH) or the University of Alabama (BAMA). They got this custom plate to show their support for both universities, regardless of her decision. Now, they drive in constant fear of republican vandals and under the constant sneers of Hilliary supporters. So is life, I suppose.

~jw

An interview with Brother Micah

Recently, the University of Alabama campus has been buzzing with talk of a new bible thumper on the block named Brother Micah. Many of the ideas he advocates have been rejected by modern society, so his proclamations concerning the sins of homosexuality and materialism often offend students on campus, and always draw a crowd. Below is a video taken of him during one of his speeches, in which he states that God doesn't hear the prayers of sinners.



As you can imagine, this really riles up the students. Instead of attacking him like most people have done, I decided to take him aside when he finished speaking and interview him. I made an active attempt to remain as neutral as possible. Here's how it went:



Click here to visit his forum (although you must be a registered user to view it).

Let me know what you think in the comments. Do you guys agree or disagree with him? What's your impression?

~Jw

P.S. I've actually approached him about a year ago and presented some arguments against his claims. You can read that post here.

Scientists are one step closer to inventing "The Jetsons" Car

Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have created a car that can fold itself up, similar to the car in "The Jetsons" cartoon show from the 1960s.

The car was designed in an effort to battle the issue of urban parking, and would even be able to drive itself. While the car is far from flight, it will be able to park and drive itself. After the car gets to its destination, it would then fold itself in half and stack like a shopping cart with other cars of the same type.

The car is planned to be built within the next three to four years, and will work on a rental basis in cities. Reuters.com explains how the process would work.

"Hundreds could be stacked around a city and 'you would just go and swipe your (credit) card and take the first one available and drive away...'"

Luckily for us, this means we are one step closer to having a car in a suitcase.


~jw


P.S. Origional Article found here.

View Discretion Advised

Ever wonder why kids want to watch shows they're not suppose to? I made a (very) short video to show why. This was recorded before an episode of "House" on Fox. Check it out...



Makes sense, now, doesn't it?

~jw

The Deeper meaning of Pokemon

Recently, a poster to the website 4chan in the /a/ forum came to a starking revolution:
"Thanks to /a/, Pokemon is now the deepest, most profound and ultimately depressing anime in existence."

You can read the original post here (EDIT: THIS is the actual original link), but it is extremely long so below is the condensed version.

According to the theory, in the first episode (when Ash had a bike accident that left him temporarily unconscious) Ash actually slipped into a coma, kicking off the series of crazy events that became the series. That fact alone explains the repetition of common characters (such as Jenny and Nurse Joy) and give every character around him a symbolic meaning. The "bad guys" and several of the major events that occur in the Pokemon movies all symbolize inner conflict, changes in medication, and Ash's hate toward his father. Below is a brief rundown of the character's and their meaning.


Brock - Represents Ash's repressed sexuality, since he fell into the coma a virgin, and needed an outlet for it. Since he can never experience it, Brock must never succeed.
Misty - Ash's feminine side. The side would obviously be upset at the womanizing side, which would keep a normal human being from acting like Brock. This is why she constantly batters him.
Joys and Jennys - two figures he looked up to in his hometown so he projected them everywhere.
Team rocket - Represent aspects of Ash's personality that he has deemed "bad." James implied homosexuality, and Jesse showed vanity. You'll remember that Meowth has the potential for rehabilitation, and doesn't want to be evil, so yet again this fits in with the conflicting personalities theory.
Pikachu - Represents ash's Humanity. In the episodes where they get separated, Ash wants desperately to find him, but for some reason cannot. Even team rocket is willing to set aside any differences to work together and find Pikachu. They want to steal Pikachu ( ash's humanity) and hand it over to his father. They will always be opposed because ash does not want to become anything like his father and no resolution can ever permanently be reached.
Gary oak - Represents what ash wants to be. He's wish fulfillment. he succeeded, and settled down to a normal life. Ash needs someone to succeed in his world or he won't be able to validate it and will start questioning why he's where he is.
Dawn - Represents Ash giving himself a chance to love. Because he already established Misty as someone he's not likely to go anywhere with, he created a new super female, one that was more like him, and less violent all the time.
Paul - Represents Ash's dark side, one that wants to push on even harder and harder, the part of him that will stop at nothing to escape this coma world.
Mr.Mime - He is actually a stand in for ash's father, one that can't abuse him or his mom, because he is a Pokemon, a peace loving creature that's oddly humanoid, but that can never hurt a human.

It actually all makes sense in a weird way. Now you'll never see Pokemon the same way again!

~Jw

EDIT: It seems that the actual post is here:
http://4chanarchive.org/brchive/dspl_thread.php5?thread_id=9938403
The previous link in the intro is still a good (but long) summary. Oh, and watch out for 4chan. It's usually NSFW.

The World's Most Offensive Hiaku

So, I was sitting around my dorm, trying to think of a new post to write (while throughly ignoring my homework) when I was struck with a brilliant idea -- The Worlds Most Offensive Hiaku. Now-a-days, curse words can be used in any part of a sentence. I mean, look at the flexibility of the "F" word. (Link NSFW)

Well, I was contemplating the many Haiku's I could write with JUST words that would be censored on PBS, when I got a call from my girlfriend to come over and help her with an essay. The Haiku's would have to wait.

After I finished helping her with her homework, we started talking and then she said something that kind of shocked me.... Her parents found my blog by Googling my name. Of course, this means that my Haiku idea is out the window. I really like my girlfriend and don't want her parents to associate me with excessive cursing. It has never really been my thing anyway.

So I have come up with an alternate solution! Post the most offensive Haiku you can think of in the comments, and the winner will get a dollar from Pay-Pal! (Side note... there must be 10 entries for there to be a cash prize, so post away.) Enter as many times as you want but leave an email address or something so I can let you know if you win!

Oh, and when I say offensive, I mean filled with curse words. No hate talk, no racial comments, etc. Just lots of cursing.

You got one week! Here's my (censored) entry!

I [freaking] love [stuff].
[Stuff] that might [perturb] people off
[Freaking] rocks my socks.

The censorship messes up the 5-7-5 thing, but you get the point. Comments won't be censored.

~jw

P.S. Free Speech! Yay!

I'm in the news!

About a week ago, I posted an article about how I believe New Years Day should be a holiday. Well, a couple of days later, a facebook group formed to support my cause. Ok, so maybe I made the facebook group. The point is, the group exists. Anyway, yesterday I got a phone call asking if the campus newspaper could do an article on New Times Day! Check it out... Click to make it bigger.



Cool, huh? I'm semi-famous. Still, its a shame they didn't mention my blog... :-(

~John Wesley

The Pros and Cons of Net Neutrality (and yes, there are cons)

What is "Net Neutrality?"

In a nutshell, "Network Neutrality," or "Net Neutrality" for short, is an idea centered around preventing ISPs (or Internet Service Providers) from deciding which websites can be accessed by the user. Check out more information on it here.



What are the "Pros?"

First off, the "Pros" have been discussed time and time again, so I will try to keep this portion short. For a more detailed description of reasons to support Net neutrality, check out the Save the Internet foundation.

In a nutshell, the main concern of Advocates of Net Neutrality is that big companies might one day force users to use one web service over another, effectively online equality and free speech.

Example: One day, users of MSN's internet service will only be able to search with MSN Search instead of Google, while users of Comcast can only use Yahoo and not MSN. Users might have to pay more money for what they get now for free. Neutrality would pretty much guarantee that this scenario could never happen.


What could possibly be the "Cons?"

This is where the issue gets interesting. There are a couple main points of views advocating the end of Net Neutrality.

The first view is that charging different rates for different sites can be compared to purchasing cable television, and this makes sense to a lot of the internet providers who also provide cable and phone services. Pay more to get more, right?

The second view is that Net Neutrality isn't necessary in America because of the Free Market. Micro-Economics 101 teaches us that competition will lower the price of any good until it meets demand. Basically, if the mainstream Internet providers offer surcharges for the "good" websites, then some small third party company will offer everything for the same price to steal the customers back.

So, after hearing from both sides of the argument, where do you stand?

~jw

Digg Douche

I was checking digg today, as usual, when I read this shout.


What a dick. (no pun intended)

~jw

Racism, maybe? =-o

I saw this on TV in Alabama on the CW and thought I would post this. Is this racist? =-o



~jw

Google Blog Search

With Blogs becoming the new fashionable wave that they are, Google has released a new search engine... THE GOOGLE BLOG SEARCH! I've got to admit, this is pretty exciting. As you might have noticed from the existance of this article, I'm a pretty big fan of teh blogs. So get to searching and start browsing, Blog friends!

Check it out! I'm there too!

Have fun, guys!

~jw

10 ways to tell when its time to buy more food

I've been putting off shopping for about a week now because I've been so busy, and I've noticed a change in my living habits. So here are the Top 10 Ways to tell when its time to buy more food!

10. You start "dieting" non-voluntarily

When you start eating so little that it is just easier to call it a "diet" than to fess up and shop, you know its time to spend the 1.50 in gas to go to Wal*Mart.

9. There is more sauce packets in your place than food

Eating at Fast Food restaurants instead of buying groceries at a store can leave you with more sauces that you know what to do with! In fact, right now I'm sitting next to a bag of Chick-fil-a's Polynesian Sauce and four packs of Arby's Sauce. Oh, and some mini A1 packets. Yummy!

8. Your friends get mad because you only visit to eat their food

My girlfriend got mad at me for this one yesterday. In her dorm they have a bowl of candy in the living room. Every time I go over there, I practically empty the thing. Now I'm banned from eating there anymore...

7. Your food becomes more "creative"

Bread in the Microwave? Almost as good as toast!

6. You have to eat from vending machines for a meal

Why go to the grocery store when you can just get a bag of chips to tide you through the day?

5. Expiration dates become "suggestions"

I love it when my roommates clean out the fridge. I just have to eat all the food I can before they throw things out!

4. You have to eat the same thing every day

Diversity is for rich kids. I will always have my 50 cent can of Spagettios and my 87 cent pizzas from Wal*Mart.

3. Those things are Ramen and Bread

Well, no more Spagettios and Pizza... :-(

2. Putting off shopping becomes a contest instead of a necessity

Its been 37 days since I last shopped! And I only spent 80 dollars when I did go...

1. When you're loosing the contest

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm freaking hungry. I guess it's time to go to the store now...

~jw

P.S. HELP BUY ME FOOD! Donate a dollar to get me some Ramen! PayPal link on the right!

Cancer sucks. Help fight back.

It's not often I make a post so serious, but this one is important.

I made this video to help raise money for Relay for Life, which is a group dedicated to fighting cancer. If you wish to donate money to our cause, CLICK HERE.

Please, donate anything. Even 50 cents would help... If you can't donate, send this video to a friend to help gather support for the cause! This means a lot, guys... It really does.

~jw

P.s. If you missed the link, this is it --> http://tinyurl.com/2kwpl3

EDIT: Yes, it is me singing and playing piano.